THE EXPENDABLES 2 - FILM REVIEW

CONTAINS A FEW SPOILERS

It’s pretty much a given that if you liked The Expendables then you’re gonna have a lot of fun with the sequel. It’s also pretty much of a given that if you thought the first film was a steaming pile of poo then this one isn’t going to change your mind. It doesn’t want to change your mind, because as far as it’s concerned if you didn’t like the first film it doesn’t want to know you, and nor do I.

After the coming together of so many hard asses of the movie world in The Expendables, it’s only natural that a few more famous faces (and fists) have been added to the mix. What we get here is bigger roles for Bruce Willis and The Governator (well, ex-Governator now), plus the bonus of Chuck Norris (who is cool as cool can be) and Jean Claude Van Damme (that wrinkly guy from the beer adverts) as a dastardly villain who goes by the name of (and I really can’t believe they did this) - Villain. Look, if you say it with a French accent it doesn’t sound the same, so they get away with it, but only just. Also in the mix is Liam “Brother Of Thor” Hemsworth, who may as well be beaming down to a strange planet on Star Trek with a red shirt and a “Shoot Me” sign taped to his back, so obvious is his impending doom.

The film benefits from a straightforward, linear plot that doesn’t make the audience think too hard as they watch the fists and bullets flying (quite graphically, too). Barney Rubble, I mean Ross, and his Expendables (so THAT’S why they called it that!) start the film off with a big action bit, then Bruce Willis gets them to go off and get a briefcase from plane that’s crashed somewhere off in Eastern Europe. Piece of piss, they think, but Van Damme is lurking, setting in motion events that mean the lads have to kill lots and lots of people who despite being mercenaries would fail the marksmanship tests at the Stormtrooper school on Tatooine. Seriously, these guys would have trouble fending off an attack by barn doors.

The thing is, it really doesn’t matter, as we don’t want our good guys dead, we want them to spray bullets and kill every single motherfucker in the room!  We want them to spout a few terrible quips that we will smile at regardless of how corny they are! We want them to unsubtly refer to their previous action movie careers! We want to see Rocky against Van Damme, and by all that is unholy we get all of these things plus big explosions to boot.

The Expendables 2 isn’t for the faint hearted. The fights are brutal, and the bullets go through people with plenty of blood splatter. Behind all this, you are always aware that this is a tongue in cheek, video game of a movie, and all the bad guys are just asking for it, the little tinkers. It’s a deliberate homage to bullet laden action movies where one man could kick an army’s ass, but pieced together with the modern film makers art and skill (and budget). All I know is I spent most of it sitting there with a big shit-eating grin on my chops, and that’s good enough for me. If The Rock isn’t in number 3 I’m going to sulk.

IMDB Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1764651/

SPARKO (Karl Stephan) - Graphic Novel Review

Sparko is quite a thing, coming across as the weird, unappreciated love child of Jamie Hewlett, Neil Gaiman and Tim Burton. No, I don’t know how three men can have a love child, but maybe that was why it was unappreciated. Fuck, I’m just rambling here, and if you want a paternity test go see Jeremy Kyle. Oh, actually, whilst I think about it, the mother could have been Lenore, the little dead girl, but that would just be weird, right?

Anyway. On to Sparko, the creation of Karl Stephan, a person who might just be the creator you’ve been looking for. When he contacted me and asked if I would review his graphic novel, I certainly wasn’t expecting 170+ pages of creativity, more like a few dozen pages of poo that I could smarmily make fun of. I have only seen the online version, but rest assured if you like your comics bound (with gags), it’s available by clicking on the magic Amazon link at the bottom of the page.

The first thing that hits you about Sparko is the art style, which really does bring Jamie Hewlett to mind, crossed with Roman Dirge (Lenore). Although black and white, it’s incredibly sharp with nice detail and the occasional background gag. It suit’s the story perfectly, though, and that’s just fine and dandy (or Beano, if you must) with me.

The story itself is sometimes a bit convoluted but always fun. On the surface we have forgotten rock star Norman, who has been moping around for years after the accidental death of his girlfriend, swapping sex drugs and rock and roll for, well, drugs. He gets embroiled in a takeover bid in the  hidden under-world of London that’s sort of like Gaiman’s Neverwhere, where London’s history lives on, never forgotten but mostly misremembered. His lot is thrown in with that of a spunk filled (not like that, dirty boy!) tearaway called Belle, who was in our London to steal a relic so that the Queen’s son, who has been kidnapped….. Oh, bugger this. If I go on it will just spoil all the mental surprises, so I’ll just say it’s twisty, turny, topsy, turvy and very tight.

The sense of humour is pitched just right, with cultural references sneaking in but not getting in the way, plus tons of snappy, funny dialogue. In amongst all the daftness and high adventure, there’s still time to tell Norman’s sad story as he tries to get over the girl he once lost. Although I was a bit daunted by the length at first (it was rather near bed time), I read this in one sitting because I just had to know what would happen, and also it was fun. This is the sort of thing that could be serialized in the Judge Dredd Megazine and make a lot of fans, but until that happens it is something that you really should check out, because some gems are not meant to stay hidden.


Amazon UK Link:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sparko-Karl-Stephan/dp/1593622201/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344873217&sr=8-1

Publisher Link:
http://www.slgcomic.com/Sparko-Graphic-Novel_p_1845.html

Sparkonaut.com:
 http://www.sparkonaut.com/

URBANSNAKE - "WHo Says Goodnight" Album Review

This came out from nowhere, dropping into my inbox with an ominous “ping”. There’s what seems to be a million heavy metal bands out there trying to get attention and share their music, and there’s just not enough time to listen to them all, but I clicked on the Urbansnake link to see if they were worth my time. Well, obviously they were, because you’re reading this review, but there’s more to Urbanskae than just making me sit up and take notice.

Too many metal bands these days lack what I would call heart. Sure, they make loud, heavy music with a varying success rate, but there’s often something missing, something that Metallica had in the old days, something Pantera exuded. It seems to come with new, hungry bands, getting beaten out the longer they go on, especially if they gain success and end up doing what they are told rather than what they want. Noo Yoik's Urbansnake have more heart than a butcher’s shop, more passion than Valentine’s Day and more belief than the Vatican. This, my friends, is metal as it was always supposed to be.

“Who Says Goodnight” has some very good tracks on it, to put it simply. They don’t try to be too clever, and have a sound derived from Pantera, Sabbath, Testament and all those old buggers. They fuse melody with massive, stomping riffs, and whilst you can sing along you can also headbang like a bastard to every track. Opener “Cracks Of War” really sets the tone, coming at you like an anvil on a rope, with Vinny Corvino’s vocals blasting out with utter conviction amongst a riff that will peel your flesh. If the whole album was this good, it would beget the maximum rating without a doubt, and even though it isn’t, it’s still a powerful album with plenty to like.

Obviously, I like this, and I really don’t go for a lot of new metal bands these days. Like I said, Urbansnake have that extra something to go with some cool metal tunes. There’s a decidedly retro tone to them, and they’re not trying to be the next Avenged Sevenfold, but if you like your metal to hearken back to the days when it stuck a finger up at the world and rocked with it’s cock out, Urbansnake might just be for you. Go to their site and take a listen.

Band Site (song streaming)

http://www.urbansnake.com/

MAGNUM - "ON THE 13TH DAY" - ALBUM REVIEW

It’s quite scary to thing that 2012 is the 40th anniversary year of Magnum. As Tony Clarkin and Bob Catley were laying the foundations of what would be a classic British rock band, current drummer Harry James was at junior school, whilst bassist Al Barrow was probably still soiling nappies. Since then they’ve split up for a while (after the yawnsome “Rock Art” album), had a go at a new start with the excellent “Hard Rain” project (essentially Magnum without the name) and released 15 studio albums. “On The 13th Day” is number 16, and comes graced by an oddly subdued Rodney Matthews cover.


It’s no secret that I have been a Magnum fan since I was Bob Catley’s height (bless him), and I’ve welcomed the four post reformation albums with varying degrees of happiness. As stand alone albums they haven’t been as good as I’d hoped, although when the best bits were slapped on last years “Evolution” album it all turned out rather well, not least because the two new tracks on the compilation brought a great deal of hope for the band’s future.

“The 13th Day” is, as ever, a mixed bag, but I can confidently say it’s my favourite of the bands recent work, probably the best since 1992’s “Sleepwalking”. There’s no mistaking the Magnum sound, and it goes without saying that Bob Catley does a sterling job on vocals throughout. Songwriter Clarkin knows to include every instrument in the mix, with his own contribution being strong but never showy. There’s only a couple of faster paced numbers here, with “So Let It Rain” seeming almost like a challenge to fans who bemoan the lack of catchy, chorus led tracks these days. Simple and repetitive, it does it’s job well, whilct “Shadow Town” adds a little more depth but still with a killer chorus hook. Elsewhere, the tracks conform more to the modern Magnum sound, but are just that bit better than previous efforts. Opener “All The Dreamers” reminds me of “That Holy Touch”, whereas “Blood Red Laughter” follows it and conjures memories of “Brand New Morning”.  This isn’t a copycat album by any means, but it does retain the riff led style of the recent stuff.

It’s not a perfect album by any means. It closes with “From Within”, a song that has a good chorus but bland verses, whereas “Dance Of The Black Tattoo” could have been a filler track on any of the last 5 releases, the best thing about it being the title. As with any Magnum album, it starts to get in your head after about 5 plays, and your favourite track will probably change week by week. Although they are unlike to ever match their mid 80s melodic rock glory years, “The 13th Day” is an album that can be held as a sign that there’s certainly life in the old dogs yet.

 Album Released in UK: Sept 24th

Band Website:
http://www.magnumonline.co.uk/

"TED" - Film Review (cert 15)

Much has been said about ‘Ted’, mainly because of the, frankly hilarious, red band trailer that could lead you to expect 90 minutes of profanity laden fun. Well the film finally reaches UK screens this week and you can see for yourself that this isn’t really the case, although it’s certainly a good film nonetheless.

The story concerns John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg, The Funky Bunch), who makes a wish when he is a little boy that his teddy bear would be able to be alive. As it’s Christmas and all that guff, his wish is granted, and he now has a bear who walks, talks and loves everybody (and hugging). So far, so sweet, but Ted the bear grows up with John, and 25 years later they are still together, farting, swearing and smoking bongs together like only bestest buddies can. The problem is that John has a really, REALLY serious girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis, 2 episodes of Baywatch), who thinks that maybe it’s time he and Ted live separate lives…

The whole thing comes from the mind of Seth MacFarlane, something that becomes apparent when he voices Ted almost exactly the same as he does Peter in Family Guy (there’s a nice in joke about this). Ted is not a well behaved bear, but he’s not a bad bear, either, and the core story of the film is much deeper than “Hey - look at the bear doing rude things! Hurr hurr hurrr!”. Once you accept that Ted is, indeed, real, you can settle down and watch a very funny movie that is also quite touching at times, despite the fact that it’s set in Boston, meaning everyone has a really annoying accent. There’s plenty of neat touches, such as a wonderful extended cameo from Sam Jones (if you don’t recognise the name, you will when you see it), another surprising one from singer Norah Jones,  and Giovanni Ribisi as a psycho who wants to buy Ted from John.

Ted is not a roller coaster of hilarity, and this ain’t like stitching four or five eps of Family Guy together. There’s an actual plot, some nice acting and a genuine emotional journey for the leads. Oh, and there’s also quite a lot of smut, drug taking, perversion, swearing and fart gags (yes got away with a 15 cert, incredibly). So it’s a funny movie, yes, but it’s also a good movie, and it goes without saying that the Family Guy crowd will love it, whilst prudes or over sensitive types will run a freakin’ mile.

"red band" (Adult) trailer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxKfC77XAp8

THE OFFSPING - DAYS GO BY - Album Review

Remember The Offspring? In 1994 they released an album called ‘Smash’, and it was absolutely stunning, filled with catchy, angry punk pop that made all the pretenders look like wimps. That was then, and a lot of days have gone by, and most people now know them as the band that did ‘Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)’, which is kinda sad. Even after ‘Smash’ they released some pretty hard hitting albums, but when ‘Americana’ came along in 1998, it threw in comedy songs as well as hard assed punk, and the future was written. They still deliver good songs, sure, but this isn’t the band you might have fallen in love with 20 odd years ago, this is something else.

The important news is that the good far outweighs the bad on the latest album. The now obligatory comedy song is ‘Cruisin California (Bumpin In My Trunk’, which is as catchy as it is annoying, and sees The Offspring once again delivering a feel good summer anthem. Elsewhere there’s some seriously good music, with the band effectively rolling back the clock with speedy, powerful tunes such as ‘Slim Pickens Does The Right Thing & Rides The Bomb To Hell’, ‘Dividing By Zero’ and ‘The Future Is Now’ amongst others. They haven’t got the anger that epitomized some of their early stuff, but then again they probably live in mansions now, and it’s always a lot harder to get angry when you have a butler.

Interestingly, they even cover themselves with ‘Dirty Magic’, a polished version of their own track from their 1992 album ’Ignition’. Personally, I prefer the original, as the new version has been slowed down a little and adds nothing by way of improvement. In other news, the title track is a little bland, whilst ‘OC Guns’ is a pretty crappy reggae inspired track with record scratching and mariachi horns completing the nightmare. Aside from these three, however, there’s plenty here for old school fans to really get their teeth into, even a powerful ballad, ‘All I Have Left Is You’.

After hearing the single, I had no idea what to expect from ‘Days Go By’, as The Offspring have recently released rather insipid albums. It is with great pleasure that I can report that, apart from a few mis-steps, this is probably the most Offspring-y album since ‘Ixnay On The Hombre’. They’ll never quite get back what they once had, but ‘Days Go By’ is a very good attempt, and shows that there’s so much more to them than silly videos. Certainly worth getting if you used to be a fan but got disillusioned, this is an album that I can’t stop playing (once I deleted a couple of songs, anyway).


http://www.offspring.com/

KANE ROBERTS - "Saints & Sinners" - CD Review

I remember Kane Roberts well from my earlier days, mainly because he was much featured in Kerrplunk! because he was quite the muscle man, striking Rambo poses and making Derek Oliver look even smaller than usual. This all started when he was installed as a guitarist for Alice Cooper’s band, at a time when the Gothic God was at his chart peak with the albums ‘Constrictor’ and ‘Raise Your Fist And Yell’. We all chuckled at the big pecs and poses, and there can’t be many who would have thought that Roberts had any more to offer than what was on show at the time. After impressing with his 1987 self titles album, Roberts really left a mark with his second offering, ‘Saints & Sinners’, which I’ve been listening to for the first time in over 15 years after having fond but vague recollections of the original release. This, children, is why we should treasure labels like Yesterrock (and Rock Candy), because what a shame it would be if albums like this were lost forever unless you were prepared to pay some Ebay skank’s rip off prices.

The album was notable for the fact that Roberts scored a minor hit single with his cover of ’Does Anybody Really Fall In Love Anymore’, the Cher track written by the late 80’s hit factory of Bon Jovi, Sambora, Desomd Child and Diane Warren. Heck - I could have had a hit with a song by those guys! Despite this, the album is definitely not all about one hit single, as there’s some absolutely cracking stuff on here. This is an album full of a upbeat, fist punching melodic rock that is nigh on impossible to dislike. There’s so many great tracks here, with nothing that makes me want to poke the Skip button, and in fact I’m more likely to go back and listen to some a few more times. The standout track is ’Rebel Heart’, a hugely enjoyable song with an irresistible chorus, and listening to it you get the feeling that it’s a Very Good Thing that Desmond Child had a hand in all of the 10 tracks. Yep, it’s another first class 80s style melodic rock album that has DC’s boot prints all over it. If you like his stuff, then ‘Saints & Sinners’ will blow you away.

To some, this may be AOR by the numbers, too safe to be of note, but I always maintain that if the songs grab you and make you sing along, if you’re humming them for days after, then it can’t be all that bad. Roberts has a good voice, a tight band and some of the best songwriters in the business on display. If you are quick, you might get one of the 500 limited release double CD’s with an extra four tracks, previously unreleased. Of these, ‘House Burning Down’ and ‘Dirty Blonde’ are pretty good, although not up to the album’s high standards, whilst ‘White Trash’ and ‘Waiting For You’ are pretty average MR fare. So if you don’t get the bonus edition it’s no great shame, but if you have a melodic rock bone in your body the album itself is a must. Buy or die! 


www.yesterrock.com/