Friday, 24 August 2012


Everyone loves Mario, don’t they? How could you not love an Italian plumber thought up by the Japanese with a propensity for grabbing as much money as he can whilst shooting fireballs from his hands? Seriously, they should make a movie! What? Oh, yeah… my mind had blanked that out. In all seriousness, Mario has been around for a bloody long time now, with each Nintendo platform ramming him down our throats like the newspapers with pictures of Prince Harry’s bottom. As with his Royal Gingerness, it has often been a case that, despite all the new clothes, the Emperor often seems to be running about in the nuddy. With his cock hanging out…

Super Mario Brothers 2 could have been great. Mario’s recent 3D game was pretty innovative, if shorter than Tom Cruise, and the console has the power to handle all sorts of magical trickery. That said, the game was not developed by the normal Mario guys, and it really shows. The best thing you can say about it is that it’s a Mario Game, and as such it’s not a bad one. Mario jumps about in the usual scenarios, forever trying to get his girlfriend back and jumping on many heads. The stages are ball achingly familiar, as is the gameplay, and in the end it’s nothing more that Mario’s Greatest Hits. The graphics are suitably clear and as details as Mario games are ever likely to get without a fully digitized Bob Hoskins being introduced, and the 3D is utter shit. Yep, they’ve gone and made a Mario game specially for the 3DS and it hasn’t actually got any 3D to speak of.

In an attempt to give it a lifespan beyond the normal levels, you can play co op with a friend, but not unless they are in the same room, and you can revisit levels to see how many coins you can get. Whoopee! Etc etc. Super Mario Brothers 2 is all about the coinage, by the way, with Nintendo challenging players to get (deep breath) one MILLION coins, a see through attempt to keep fanboys playing until they reach this magical number and valiantly hide their disappointment when they see the ‘reward’.

As with the recent Sonic revival attempt, Super Mario Brothers 2 does nothing new. If you absolutely love Mario then I’m sure you will already have this, and will be telling everyone how awesome it is and how you absolutely love the 1 million coins reward (see top picture if you don’t want to actually do it yourself - that’s fecking IT - a title screen!).  There is the usual replay value in getting the hard to reach bonus coins, and a few branching levels and even a mushroom world, but it’s no more than previous games have done. In the end, it’s Another Mario Game that is fun to play but ultimately a little boring, as you have seen it all before.

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